Bird shit, full moons, feathers, the people that have strikingly similar posture and hair, songs that sound as if you are talking right to me… or through me, any crisis and somehow someone with your name is talking to me, sitting in a hotel bar watching a little brother visit his sister at work talking to me about his power hour and just turning 21 while eating hot wings and sharing with her when she thinks no one is looking. This is what I live to feel now. These are my signs you still are always by my side.
At my worst moments, when I think I fail at life, or I failed at you, or I just need to see you… you still never let me down.
I can be standing in the nursery, feeling exhausted as hell and as if I am full of imperfections, and she looks up at me, just like you did, and gives me that pinch. Then I cross between one world and another and feel your arms wrap around me. Sometimes I can even feel your humming and nuzzling your head above mine.
I can be driving in a car dialing your number just to hear your voice, and suddenly I feel you riding shotgun and you visit just in time.
I can go to bed every night… knowing if it is needed, you will visit… and you do. You always know what I need no matter how far you have traveled. You are my north in life. Whenever I am lost, I could always look to you and it took me some time in this process… this grief… this transition… to know I still can. You are still there. God I wish I could hug you as I used to… but it is different now. At the end of the day you still wrap those big arms around me as I need and oddly enough I can still hear your infectious laughter.
In my earlier years when I lost people I feared I would lose memory of sounds, smells, feelings, and more. I have an enormous sense of comfort that I will never lose that of you. You are my forever brother and forever my north.
I will always envy the brother sister conversations I see (that are audibly two ways as I witness this very moment)… but sometimes having the one way conversation still works and then I await the signs. Again.. I have to say the bird shit is not cool.
In case I ever would fear I would forget a single detail from birth to end… I havee somehow had a baby that encompasses all that was you. She is fierce, takes no prisoners, makes you laugh until you cry, makes you cry until you give in… I will never forget and thank you for giving to her spirit. Even in the most trying moments, I see you and can get a glimpse of memory.
I told your power hour story to a stranger and his friend and sister tonight and we laughed and laughed. I know that was you.