It was bittersweet to say goodbye to you last night but I did it just as someone would have wanted me to… with a pint of ice cream and a Netflix marathon. I lay as a beached whale, only days away from brining a new life into the world. We had our share of contractions that started and stopped and Cary and Skylar “supported me” on my many bathroom trips as I was at a loss for balance. I watched an entire season trying to not think about the year that had passed. It was undoubtedly unsuccessful.
This year brought me some of my greatest things: career goals achieved, our dream forever home, a job my husband truly loves, a new baby brewing, and just general love for my life. I walked around with the greatest feeling that nothing could change the utter joy that had become my life. I worked my entire life to have a job I loved, a home and most importantly a sweet family I adored. I truly had it all and then it came to a sudden halt. My family and I endured the most tragic loss that was, until that point, unimaginable. We walked around just assuming everyone would be around forever and we were wrong. My brother became an angel October 8th and life as I knew it… as my family knew it… changed forever to something unrecognizable. We are trying to find our way but no path seems to be desired without Jack. We are trying new ways of how to incorporate his angel self into our lives, but still all yearning for a physical presence we will never again see. 2015 ended up the best and worst year of my life.
I was thinking of if he was here what he would be talking to me about to psych me up for the days to come… another baby, another surgery, the transition from one kid to two… he would want to know what I am looking forward to the most. He would ask what foods I have missed and what my first meal will be. He would ask what my first drink of choice would be and if he can be there when I have it. He would be asking what day and time the surgery is so he could be sure I was alright. He would ask what day I am going home from the hospital so he can be there again. For all of this I thought long and hard and had the conversation as if he were still here. I even made a vision board of the foods and drinks… and even bending over that I am excited for to keep my thoughts light and positive as I go through this transition.
I know he will watch the surgery right by Cary’s side and will be in the car with mom and I on the way home. A woman I met in a survivors of suicide group said it best… “Jack will be the last to kiss Finley before she comes and I will be the first when she arrives.” That is what is making me most excited for what is to come. Finley is not lucky with much in this scenario, but getting one last kiss from him is the best I could ask for anyone. She will not know him as Sky did, carry his picture around the house and chat with him nightly… but she will have a bit of him with her always in a different way. She will not have pictures with him as Sky does, but he exited while she entered the world.
I am not one for prayer however I pray daily for 2016 to bring my family any sense of peace we can have. I pray that Jack is happy in heaven and able to continue his visits to all of us. I pray he will forever be a part of my days, and my girls’ lives. I pray that until I join him, I can feel his presence and him egging me on to have that Guinness with a pound of prosciutto.
Here is to 2016, undoubtedly one of the most formative years of my life.