Do you visit us through our children?
If so I know that was you the other night. It took every bone in my body to get through the day without a tear. I even went to see a comedian you would love… he had a whole skit on men with mustaches and I thought of you. When I got home I crawled into bed and then what I held back all day started pouring. I wasn’t making noise, but Skylar woke and hugged me tight and said “I miss him too mommy and I am so so so sorry.” She repeated this for about ten minutes until I stopped.
Do you visit us in our dreams?
If so thank you for trying to explain the inexplicable to me. I will try and do as you said and know you are ok now so I have to be. I also thank you for coming into my dream last night as the toddler version of you and playing with my toddler. That was the most fascinating dream I have had in my life and I smiled ear to ear.
Do you spend your favorite days with us?
If so I hope you enjoyed the Halloween outfit I sported in your honor this year. I am “that girl” in the new neighborhood. Also, I had always pictured as the kids got older you coming trick or treating with us and doing the theme costumes I can never get Cary to do with the girls. I will have to really step up my game to make up for you not being there. I will hope and pray you are looking down on us each year with great laughter and we will not let you down.
Do you comfort us with people you put in our path?
If so I know that guy the other night in my support group was you. I don’t know why. We hadn’t even started talking yet and I started to lose it. Sure enough that guy strolled in casually late and set directly across from me with a fried chicken and gasoline shirt from House of 1000 corpses. I remember removing skin from your poor knee when we saw that movie! That made me feel at ease and start to feel the benefit of listening to others that have experienced a similar loss. Though it was hard I just kept starring at that shirt. When the end came around that guy got to talk. He sounded just like you. He had no intent of cracking everyone up but he sure did with his natural thought process. I thanked him that night for reminding me of you – haven’t laughed like that since right before you left us when you imitated dad. I remember that day I told you I had to pull over because I laughed until I cried.
Do you try to relieve us through music?
If so I know you have been controlling the radio lately and I love it. I feel like days where I need it most the xm stations play a constant Jack and Dana soundtrack. The other day I counted ten songs in a row and even took pictures of the radio because I felt if I told anyone no one would believe me. It was too random and too rare. I especially loved Peaches. You were so young when that came out and you loved jamming to it so loudly. Blink 182, Jimmy Eat World, Bush were just some of the few. Thank you for trying to make me smile whenever you can.
Do you read in heaven?
If so I will keep writing to you.
We miss you and our crazy days sweet boy. Stay with us as long as you can but make sure you enjoy the peace you finally have.