Torn

jack and brutus

I am torn. My heart is torn.  My soul is torn.

I am torn between being strong how you would want me to be and breaking into pieces as I feel.

I am torn between standing in the storm and seeking shelter.

I am torn between saying the things you would be brave enough to say and hushing myself because I can’t say it the same way you would.

I am torn between doing the things I loved as you would want me to and staying alone all the time because no one is you.

I am torn between looking at things we used to do together that made us laugh hysterical and crying until I cannot breathe … for a second when I can’t catch the air it feels like this didn’t happen.

I am torn from accepting that you are gone and trying to think of what life could have been if this didn’t happen.

I am torn from trying to block my mind from thoughts for just a small break from this hell or looking at every single thing microscopically to see if it is you giving me a sign.

I am torn from thinking thoughts of your end or thoughts of your whole beginning.

I am torn from thinking of all the moments you shared with my little family and thinking about how much my girls will miss knowing the beautiful Jackson I knew.

I am torn between returning to daily life as you would want and basking in all that is my sorrow.

I am torn between holding onto memories and holding onto actual items that make me feel closer to you.

I am torn between thinking how lucky our family was to have you just for a second and thinking the best part of us is gone.

I am torn between still talking to you every time I am scared and sad or discovering what I will do now instead.

I am torn between acceptance and anger.

I am torn between crying and numbness.

I am torn between surrounding myself with so much I won’t truly feel this and braving facing this alone.

I am torn between watching over everyone to ensure they are ok like you would have wanted me to step up for and giving them the space to take their own journey of this incredible loss.

I am torn between starring at your pictures all day and not being able to look at all because it hurts my heart too much.

I am torn.  My heart is torn.   My soul is torn.

I know you.  You will repair these tears even from up there.  I will wait.  I could feel you start today.  You will always be my shelter from the storm.

And I know me.  If love could have saved you Jackson you would have lived forever.  I loved you more than you will ever know and I always will.  No tear will change that.

2 thoughts on “Torn

  1. Mel Flannery says:

    Beautiful Dana. He’s right. You should keep writing. You should also keep reaching out to the people both of you love. Everyone has a different way of dealing with their grief but the common love you share can break through the anger, denial and heartbreak. The best embrace has no words to get in the way of heart touching heart. That’s where the healing starts. You’ve touched my heart and I’m keeping you there as I light a candle for Jacks family.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Shaelin says:

    I hope you don’t mind, but my heart called to me to share this. I felt it had great potential to reach and help heal, anyone who had experienced a loss, and words like these can change a life. I love you very much, and am praying for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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